I personally believe that very often, we humans (excluding the truly enlightened among us) pursue life as if we are running a race to the finish line. And if that image doesn’t resonate, imagine reading a book and skipping through pages to reach the epilogue.
Admittedly, I am one of those unenlightened humans. It seems mostly everything I do in life requires a goal. Sometimes I aim for concrete sources of gratification, like a medal of recognition for completing a triathlon, or other times I’m happy with a less conspicuous sense of accomplishment, like finishing a book even if I hated it.
In one sense, I am proud of myself for being a “doer” rather than a “non-doer.” But on the other hand, as I have discovered most recently, accomplishments do not necessarily need to be punctuated by an award or a sense of completion. Sometimes, a feat can be defined as the ability to accept things as they are—especially when they are not in our control.
As a “doer,” or as many of my friends have called me, “Task Master,” I not only have started to lose faith in my 42-year-old body (as I mentioned in a recent blog), but I’ve also become sad and sometimes frustrated. And yes, self-pity has wormed its way in there, too. But my follicles have had no time to sulk. In fact, they started to redevelop (as is normal within our reproductive cycles), and whoop here I am, once again commuting to the fertility clinic, seeing the familiar faces of the nursing staff and nodding to the other patients (old and new).
With the unbelievable gift of technology, acupuncture and God knows what else, several of my eggs were able to fertilize and I now await the day when the embryos will be transferred from a petri dish to my uterus. It’s unbelievable to fathom. In spite of whether or not these little embryos will be willing to stick, I am at least able to take a deep breath and accept that it may take a few tries to have a successful pregnancy. And of course, having a child is certainly not the finish line. Instead, it is only the beginning.
Photo by Kevan Davis